Strange Existence

  I don't have any clue how to do anything for myself. Yet, I always feel like I am the one taking. I feel like I'm the one who's constantly getting over-emotional and seeking everyone else's help. I depend solely on others to validate my feelings, my thoughts, my very existence. I don't know how to be me, or what that even means. I lost my desire for things a long time ago; even my imagination makes up someone who's not me in a situation so I can fix their problems. I have never, not once in my life that I can remember, just done something for the sake of myself because I whole-heartedly believe that I am always the problem. My existence is not something that should have been, so I live every day floundering for some sort of use, some sort of function or value so that I can make up for existing when I shouldn't. I hate it, it's exhausting. I try and try and try to do my best and give my all for everyone and think myself a selfish creature if I don't. I've done this for so long that I don't know of any other way to exist and it's gotten to the point where I feel extreme anxiety if I don't make food for people, or if I make food and they don't eat it. Something so simple and yet I cause myself nearly physical agony over it.
 
  And I have absolutely no idea why.
 
  I have a few theories, but nothing that I could say is a solid conclusion. To me, I am useless and selfish and a nuisance if I'm not constantly doing things for others. I don't know where it stemmed from, but it's how I think. I don't know how to function without that basic principal and it is horrible.
 
  But that is not the worst part. This is not the absolute bane of my existence. My greatest vice that I struggle with is so idiotically simple and seemingly harmless that it somehow makes it worse. My greatest weakness and pain is that I absolutely love and adore people. Something that appears so pure and amazing to most people kills me inside on a daily basis. It kills me inside because I don't know how to just simply love people, I have to complicate and force it and warp it until it absolutely shatters.
 
  Which is why I'm so alone. I push and stress and attack until the other party is forced away from me. Nobody can handle my sort of love, I realized this long ago and yet I can't change anything.
 
  I love people with everything I have, and I mean everything. I don't know what the love of a casual friendship is. I don't know the distant attachment of bonded family. All of the love I feel is extremely intense. I want to know everything about a person; all of their thoughts, feelings, hobbies, their past, everything. I want to intimately share everything with the people I know. I don't think there's a single person I haven't thought about romantically at some point, there also isn't a single person I wouldn't put my life down for. I want to hear everything a person has to say, I want to see their smiling face, the tears, the fear, the anger. I feel all of this with the power of a need, like my very soul depends on it. But there is no one in the world who would trust someone with absolutely everything like this. There is no one in their right mind that would accept this kind of demanding and exhausting love.
 
  So, I try my best to suppress it, to understand that no one can just trust me like that. But that's the thing that kills me inside. I want so bad to be trusted, to be able to love like that freely, but it's obsessive. No one wants that constant attention and it's probably more disconcerting than comforting. It pains me to keep it inside, but I've lost so many people to this "creepy" emotion I have.
 
  So I hide, and as I hide it slowly gets to me. The frustration, the anger, the sadness, the despair, then.... The hatred. The reason I see myself as such a selfish and worthless person is because of this. I get so caught up in my head and my own feelings that I start to sincerely hate the people around me. I hate them because they can't accept this absolutely psychotic thing I call my love. I get so severely off balance that I can't stand talking to, or seeing the faces of the very people my existence relies on for the simple fact that they can't deal with my obsession and they never know that it even exists.
 
  I hate myself for it. I start to hate people over something so stupid and trivial and ridiculous. I can never forgive myself. These people that I pour all of my effort and time into deserve nothing but my love and support but because I can't handle my own feelings I try to hate them. I deserve no sympathy for this because it is disgusting.
 
  I want so badly to love people and understand them and that is something no one will ever understand. I will also admit that I want so badly to not only understand people, but have them understand me. I have never in my life met someone who can just understand my thought process, no one has ever been on my wave length. I think I just have such a bizarre and constantly changing wave length that no one can ever catch onto it. But it's all I've ever wanted, to be understood, to be accepted without the need of lecturing or giving advice. Everyone always tells me about change being a good thing and that I should change myself or a situation but no one's ever just accepted me or something I did or how I feel about something. But that mutual understanding is what I yearn for. I crave nothing more than to be so intimately close with a person's thoughts and feelings and have them enthusiastically accept my strangeness.
 
  Something people don't realize is I constantly observe them. The way the talk, the way their face changes or the weird ticks they have when experiencing different things, even the way they write. I'm overly sensitive to people's emotions and feel anxious when I'm not sure why something has changed or if they won't tell me anything. And I cannot stand when they try to lie and tell me nothing is wrong or that nothing has changed because I know when it has. I am so sensitive to the atmosphere around people and so overly in tune with people that I know when something is out of place. It may be an arrogant thing to say, but that's how I live is by finding those abnormalities and offering my assistance. I watch people so closely and am so aware of them that I pick up on things that even those who are close to them don't notice. It is completely awful because everyone I have ever met finds it to be unsettling. Unless of course they never figure it out.
 
  But, it's because of this constant observation that I can offer comfort when it's needed and in the way I do. I try to get physically close to people for this purpose. Truthfully, I have no idea how to comfort people with words. I am not a verbal person, I know this, so I find ways to touch someone and physically transfer all of my love and caring and sympathy and support to them. It's the only time I can freely show that side of me. It comes naturally to me to hold someone and murmur reassurance and provide for them in anyway I can to see them smile. And yet, because I do this, everyone assumes that I am perpetually okay with my own thoughts and feelings and brush off any effort I make at trying to say I need help. They hesitate to accept my emotions and offer me the same comfort I give them. This is not to say that they don't try, but mostly they try to come up with some sort of solution first. This is not a bad thing, I'm not saying that it's not helpful, but if there's anything I've learned it's that a lot of problems don't have solutions, at least not immediate ones, and the best thing for those situations is to just sit down and help to understand and accept the situation. People can persevere and figure out their problems on their own, but they need to feel as if they're not alone. It has nothing to do with relying on people or being dependent on them, no one can accomplish everything alone, they need someone there to support them in some way or they'll break. But this is a concept that few understand.
 
  So, I suffocate myself with this obsessive love of people. I doubt my sanity at times and wonder if I actually love people or if I'm just telling myself that to feel better about myself in some twisted, narcissistic sense. But I love people. I want to see everyone happy and smiling, I want them to feel a freedom in their life that I can never seem to find, I want to be close to them and feel the warmth of their hearts, I want all of this for them, and for me.
 
  And this, in all of it's obsessive strangeness, is my selfless yet selfish existence. My only way to love.